Couch Auction ‘Unwritten Rules’
Good morning fellow trolls. It has been a while since we used this site, but we are committed to using this a LOT more in 2019. Make sure you are signed up on our Message Boards (at the top) and registered to comment below, as this is where we are able to have Zuck/Jack-free Trolling Discussion.
But for right now, I want to go over some unwritten Couch Auction rules that we have accrued over the past year that will become written.
If you are new, you may understand the basics. A ‘Couch Auction’ is basically any Live Stream that is shared in a Facebook Group full of willing ‘buyers’; aka trolls who pretend that a fictional couch is being sold.
These trolls ask for the ‘couch’ repeatedly, prompting a rather-confused host to get quite upset rather easily. The only way out for these hosts? Either sell the couch—or—place a shoe on your head.
If either of these conditions are met, we as trolls must live up to our obligation and leave the Live Stream, ensuring any screenshots are captured and “goodbyes” are said.
We then rinse, wash, repeat, with a NEW Live Stream. Of course, it is NEVER as easy as I am making it out to be.
Because of the wild Couch Auctions occurring in our past, we have been able to assemble a basic set of “unwritten” rules that help guide us even further through these Auctions and ensure a smooth process.
The ‘Unwritten Rules’ of Couch Auctions (now written)
1. Any “Shoe-on-head” must be BALANCED atop the Auctioneers head WITHOUT the support of any body part, object, etc.
2. In the event of the host not possessing a shoe, any type of footwear is permissible. If no footwear can be found, a comparably ridiculous object can be substituted, at the discretion of an American Auctioneering Association of America representative.
3. Don’t use the “Hard R”. This is not to be a politically correct stance, because many of our insults are structured to be MORE derogatory. Rather, the word is stale, boring, and a cop-out for potentially BETTER insults. Use your vocabulary.
4. If you feel bad about trolling Pearl Parties and Jewelry Shows, understand that these ogres are indeed Scammers. They purchase Pearls at a wholesale price from predatory companies, lie about the water source of the oyster, mutilate them live on the set, then sell them at 4x marked-up. Do not feel bad. These are predatory scammers who feast on elderly Facebook users.
5. For intermediate Couch Auction enthusiasts, we implore you to attempt the “Sole Patrol” Challenge. Inspired by our international army, Auction Hosts have an opportunity to expose the SOLES of THEIR FEET instead of SHOE ON HEAD. Exposure of the soles has the same relative value as a shoe-on-head.
6. Mis-gendering the hosts is a MUST. This is a quick and easy way to anger the host with one quick “hello”. If the host is transgendered, all bets are seemingly off, as any name you call them will probably offend the host in one way or another.
I will update these as I think of more, but please feel free to write more “unwritten rules” in the comments below. Any that we agree with/like will be updated in this post!